Friday, November 07, 2008

update

i have debated about whether to blog about what i am going through. but, as my husband pointed out, i did 'promise' to blog about this no matter what the outcome.

i went in for my first doctors appt. on tuesday. with great expectations.... smiles, and excitement about being able to see my little companion for the first time through an ultrasound. it took a minute to find anything. but the doctor did. a very tiny dot inside my uterus - with no distinguishable features (head or body, etc) - and no heartbeat. i didn't really see the problem with this, because i have been deliriously optimistic. the doctor did see a problem with this. he said, either you are not 9 weeks, but only 6 weeks, or - you have miscarried. well, it had to be the first one as far as i was concerned (i have been feeling good and pregnant and have NOT spotted one speck of blood or felt the tinsiest cramp). so we went into his office to discuss the next step. lots of blood to be drawn over the next couple of days to see what my levels are. if it is at a certain number then that proves i am only 6 weeks pregnant. if they are higher, than i am further along, and he should have seen a heartbeat. wednesday i got a call from the doctor. no good news. my levels were pretty high. high enough for a 9 week pregnant woman. but i had one more blood draw yesterday, and so he didn't want to say for sure that i had miscarried until he got those results. i get that phone call today.

here is a feel of the emotional rollercoaster i have been on this week:

i am confused.
i feel stupid.
empty.
alone.
heartbreak.
sadness - incredible sadness.
am i normal?
is my uterus still okay?
let down.
impatient.
why?
raw emotions still there about ryan.
crying - lots of private crying. we still haven't told the kids.
annoyed that i have to hide my pain and sadness.
i haven't prayed. not once. i don't want an answer right now.
despite the lack of prayer i have faith. if that makes any sense.
afraid/scared.
i DONT want this to be happening! again.
feeling the weight of having to be mom - when all i want to do is crawl into a hole right now.
thankful for the blessing of being a mom and serving my children.
conflicted.

in the spirit of keeping this blog a true journal of my life, i will post more on the outcome.

10 comments:

Olivia said...

Oh, Kim. I'm so sorry that you have this stress of the unknown right now. I will be praying for you today. Just know that every feeling you are having, the Lord understands it all. We may not understand how he does, but he does. ((((Hugs))))

Kim Luck said...

You know i am here for you and I am sorry you have to go through this again. I understand you do feel alone but I do know the Lord is with you helping you. You are in our prayers.

Erin said...

I'm soooo sorry, Kim. My heart breaks for you and the boys in your world. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do (make a meal for you all, take the kids, kidnap you...just sit and let you cry, or stare, or laugh...whatever you need).

I'll keep you in my prayers. (((Kim)))

Adventures In The Land Of Hahl said...

kim - i am so sorry that you are going through this right now. please know that you and your family are in our prayers and you are not alone. whatever you find out today, remember that you are loved. not only by your friends and family but by the lord.

presenceofself@comcast.net said...

My heart and prayers are with you and with Stephan, and the Lord is always guiding your life and there with you every step of the way.
Writing this blog is very courageous of you.
I love you! Mom

Stacey said...

I am so sorry Kim! Please let me know if there is anything that I can do!!

Mindy said...

Kim - I am so sorry to hear this news. I agree that you are very brave to write this blog and you will be grateful in years to come that you have documented how you are feeling.

I hope the best for you. Your strength amazes me and I know that Heavenly Father has great things in store for you.

Natalie* said...

oh kim - i don't even have words. everything has already been said, so i will only say this. i'm here if you want to talk or have a place for noah to come and play or whatever. please to call if you need anything. prayers and hugs.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU! and Thank you.

Grandma Dana said...

You know that we love you and we are always here for you all. Only Heavenly Father knows what plan is in store for us and we don't always understand it. You and Stephan have taught us so much about faith, that we just have to have it now. You are in our heart and prayers.
Love you all.