Wednesday, April 30, 2008

gone but not forgotten

last tuesday i went for my 20 week ultrasound. there was a problem. we had to sit in a waiting room for 35 minutes until the doctor came (from the hospital) to tell us that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. the next day i was induced and delivered our sweet Ryan Scott. i got to hold him and say goodbye. i have every detail of his tiny body forever in my mind and heart. i know, without a doubt, that he is in heaven. it has been my faith that has gotten me through every day and every minute. i have spent lots of time in prayer and quiet meditation. i do feel empty and not quite sure what to do with myself. one minute he was with us, then gone. as personal as this is i have felt impressed to write about it on my blog. writing is therapeutic for me and has been ever since i was a little girl. why would that change now? it's talking about it with people face to face that is almost unbearable. i have been in "hiding" since last tuesday, talking only to a few people. it just hurts too much. that is my way to deal. i avoid. not good. but that is my natural response. i have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support by friends and family. that has been incredibly healing to me. just knowing i have that support, and knowing that people are keeping our family in their prayers. i am constantly amazed by the amount of love that is around me. what a blessing. i know that we will be with Ryan again, and that he is in the choicest place possible. that knowledge alone is making this bearable.

6 comments:

Stacey said...

Kim.....I am so glad that you wrote about this...I know it was hard but I hope that it helped to write it down....still thinking about you!!! (((hugs))

Mindy said...

Kim,
I have been thinking about you often. It was great to read this post and hear a little bit about how you are doing and feeling. You are still in my prayers and I hope it gets easier every day.
Love,
Mindy

Angie Fellows said...

I am so sorry! You have definitely been in our thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. I've been wanting you to know that I've been thinking of you but was just unsure of how to do it without bothering you. Let us know if we can do anything at all for you and your family. Lots of love! -Angie Fellows

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU! We will get through this and remember that quote that says,
"I never said it would be easy, just worth it". I believe this.

love always,
Stephan

BBLuv said...

Kim,
I am so sorry to hear about this but also wanted to let you know that of anyone else in the world my mom and I can probably sympathize with you the most! My mom (as you may remeber) carried two babies to full term, delivered and held them for the few short hours they lived and then buried them a few days later. As for myself a slightly different scenario but still the same grieving process I placed a child for adoption 4 and half years ago. The empty feeling is very familiar and I know how real it is. I hope you know how much we love you and I will be thinking about you!

Toria said...

KIm,
I'm so so so sad for you. I remember checking in our your blog a couple times last week and there was no new post so I gave up for a few days and then I saw this. Oh, my heart goes out to you and the boys. I'm so impressed by your strength and courage to write and I know that blessings are on their way to you and your family. You are in my prayers. thank you for sharing.