Wednesday, April 30, 2008
gone but not forgotten
last tuesday i went for my 20 week ultrasound. there was a problem. we had to sit in a waiting room for 35 minutes until the doctor came (from the hospital) to tell us that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. the next day i was induced and delivered our sweet Ryan Scott. i got to hold him and say goodbye. i have every detail of his tiny body forever in my mind and heart. i know, without a doubt, that he is in heaven. it has been my faith that has gotten me through every day and every minute. i have spent lots of time in prayer and quiet meditation. i do feel empty and not quite sure what to do with myself. one minute he was with us, then gone. as personal as this is i have felt impressed to write about it on my blog. writing is therapeutic for me and has been ever since i was a little girl. why would that change now? it's talking about it with people face to face that is almost unbearable. i have been in "hiding" since last tuesday, talking only to a few people. it just hurts too much. that is my way to deal. i avoid. not good. but that is my natural response. i have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support by friends and family. that has been incredibly healing to me. just knowing i have that support, and knowing that people are keeping our family in their prayers. i am constantly amazed by the amount of love that is around me. what a blessing. i know that we will be with Ryan again, and that he is in the choicest place possible. that knowledge alone is making this bearable.