Sunday, August 09, 2009

feelings, thoughts, and ramblings of a pregnant woman

so i've had quite a lot on my mind these days. a. lot.

i am officially 16 weeks pregnant with our fourth child.

i am turning 36 on saturday.

i sleep a lot.

i have many fears.

i have many great expectations and dreams.

i (not so secretly) wish for a baby girl.

i often feel alone, sometimes self-inflicted loneliness, but loneliness nonetheless.

i'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

i have prayed a lot lately. prayed for strength, patience and comfort.

i have been doing some soul-searching. (maybe that's normal when you are pregnant)

i want and try hard to cherish this quieter time before the baby.

i feel fat.

oh, and not so cute.

is that normal too??

i feel very thankful and blessed that we have been taken care of in spite of stephans lack of employment.

i really do not enjoy the heat, and feel annoyed with the dragging on of summer.

did i mention i have very little patience these days?

i feel the need to justify my daily naps. why, i'm not sure. i'm a better me when i take them!

i say yes to almost everything. not so good for a tired, pregnant mamma.

i have a reaalllly hard time asking for help - in any form.

i love my diet pepsi's. mmmm...

i cannot go to the grocery store without purchasing at least 2 impulse "craving-type" items. (one of those is usually a nice fat loaf of french bread, which i consume a good chunk of on the way home).

i feel disappointed in myself when i don't say what i want, or take a stand for myself. i know better.

i worry. a lot.

i over think almost everything.

i miss california and the beach.

and my mom and sister who are in california.

at the moment i have some serious heartburn.


okay. i think i've purged most of my random thoughts. sigh. i feel better now! writing is good.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmmm? Some of this I knew and some of it I did not. At any rate, I think you look frickin HOT and I am not just saying that. You feel fat cuz your stinking prego, my bad!

Bottom line is that I love you and am blessed to have you as my sweetheart!

kim said...

You know you have people here for you-always. you take it easy and try really hard to say "no" so you do not over work yourself. it is definately ok to say no sometimes. you are not fat for sure! naps are definately ok too. you do NOT need to justify yourself.

HUGS

Natalie* said...

amen to kim's comment - you NEED TO SAY NO. and also that you are surrounded by us - people who love you and will drop anything and everything to ease your mind or body - SO CALL ALREADY!
now let's get to celebrating your 36th year - it's going to be a GREAT one!

Grandma Dana said...

So--you are certainly allowed to have one of those days, but you need to know that we love you, and are so blessed to have you as part of our family. I wish I lived up there because you know I would be there at any given minute to help you with whatever you needed.

36 is a great age! Where did the "fat" part come from-you are far from it. Pregnancy makes any woman more beautiful. You do not need to overwork yourself. You have lots of people to help you-JUST ASK!

presenceofself@comcast.net said...

Very honest and very okay. glad you feel comfortable and confident to express your true feelings. Your beauty and strong spirit shows up in all that you do and in who you are...you are a gift, and certainly a gift to me when you came into my life as my daughter 36 years ago. I love you!
Mom

Erin said...

You're wonderful, Kim. I'm so incredibly blessed to have you in my life...you look beautiful! Let's go out for girl time!

Much love and hugs!
Erin

Bealls said...

I love what you said. I think I feel all of those emotions in any given week, hopefully not at all the same time!