Tuesday, April 21, 2009

ryan

(ryan's hands and footprints. a necklace given to me by my dear friend, natalie)



one year ago i went in for my twenty week ultrasound. full of hope, excitement, anticipation. i left the office with a broken heart. my son had passed away and i needed to give birth.

i walked into the hospital holding my head high. i had a day to process the raw emotions, and now i needed to take care of the physical end of it. they put me in a special birthing room, reserved for mothers in the situation i was in: knowing they were going to deliver a stillborn baby. the outside of the door had a picture (of a sunset or something) to let the doctors and nurses that entered know that the occasion was not a happy one, and congratulations were not in order. you have no idea how much i appreciated this because i was wondering how many people would smile and congratulate us. i put my things down and sat on the bed. i wasn't prepared for the title wave of emotion that would hit me. right next to the bed was a baby warmer/bassinet. they had laid out several tools that are used for cleaning the baby after delivery. i cried. hard. all stephan could do was hold me. there were no more words of comfort. over the next six hours or so i was in labor. it was painful in every way. no reward at the end. my only comfort was that ryan's spirit was looking down from above. it happened quietly. my tiny baby was gently delivered, swaddled in a receiving blanket, and placed in my arms. he was fully formed. all of him would have fit in the palm of my hand. i placed his limp hand across my fingernail and mourned. i didn't want to let him go. the doctor gave us time to be with him, pray with him, love him. we cried together and held our son. then we said goodbye...for now. promises of seeing him, and raising him on the other side were our only comfort. the nurse did his hand and foot prints. i can't tell you how thankful i am that she did, it is my only "photo" of ryan.

this year has been one of the most powerful, growth-inducing years of my life. i have grown closer to my heavenly father than i ever could have imagined. my testimony of the gospel, and heavenly fathers plan for us is deep. i know, without a doubt, that He has a plan for us. pain and suffering is part of that plan. i believe He mourns with us and knows our pain on every level. i also believe He will never give us more than we can handle. as hard as it has been, i have handled this trial, and continue to do so everyday. my pain will never fully go away. i don't want it to. it is what i have left of ryan, for now. i am thankful for my husband. he stands by me, loves me, holds me and fulfills my every need. this trial has deepened our relationship.

i write this because it is healing for me. i want to remember my feelings - good and bad. i want my other children to know what this time was like. and perhaps this will help another going through a similar trial.

i love you ryan. we miss you and think of you all the time. even though your body is not here, your spirit is felt in our home. i can't wait for the day when i will be able to hold you again. you have taught me so much, you have given me so much. thank you, sweet, dear son.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Baby,

Thank You for this post!
It was a green Aspen leaf floating above a watery pool with a raindrop falling on to it. What a strong wonderful woman you are. You teach more about who I am and allow me to be in my heart. I love you!

Love
Stephan

Jandi said...

Wow, I don't know if I should comment or let this be your special post between you and your husband. But, thank you. You are a stronger woman than I. What an example you are. This has strengthened you, I can see it and feel it when I am around you. Thank you for being you and a great friend.

kim said...

I agree with Jandi. You have grown so much in the past year-in a good way. I am sorry things have been tough, but I do think you and Stephan have taken your experiences and grown for the better. You are a stronger person than myself as well. Thanks for being a great example.

Natalie* said...

a wonderful example, a mountain of strength, a woman of faith, a tested and loved daughter of God. you, my dear friend, are all of the above and more. so glad you took time to thoughtfully script your feelings and thoughts - and that you are willing to share it with all of us. i'm so glad you like your necklace - you needed it, no question; i'm excited to see how you improve it. :D

Grandma Dana said...

You are a wonderful, strong woman and you have taught me about strength and faith in Heavenly Father. He does have a plan and we know that the trials come with the joy. He is with us always.

Thank you for being my daughter in law and more importantly my friend.

Ashley said...

Wow was that really a year ago! I think you have done so well this year....Lots of love Kim!!!!

Angie Fellows said...

You are so strong! I admire you so much for sharing this and for the amazing women you are and have become through all of this. Your perspective is truly inspiring.

Olivia said...

thanks for sharing this. it's a great reminder fr me to remember what is really important. I don't rally knw what else to say, except that I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm so glad to hear your perspective on it. I hope you continue to grow and feel the love of our Savior. Blessings, Kim.

The Jackson's said...

Your story breaks my heart and I cry for you. But I am grateful for your testimony. It lifted my spirits!

presenceofself@comcast.net said...

I am profoundly moved by who you are and the expressions from your heart. Your recount of the birth of Ryan is deeply moving and incredibly inspiring, and a testament of your faith in Heavenly Father.
I love you!
Mom

Adventures In The Land Of Hahl said...

thanks for sharing this with all of us kim. everything that i would say has already been said by others. so just know that we think of you and pray for you and your family more than you could ever realize.

Nicole said...

that is truly heartbreaking. i am so very sorry.

Erin said...

You awe me, my friend. I'm amazed by your strength and tenderness. You have taught me so much about how to 'be'. Thank you for your friendship. I love you guys!

Bealls said...

Thanks for sharing this. I cried. Not only for the sadness, but for the hope that the gospel gives. You are amazing Kim.

Family Valois said...

Kim,

You are so strong and inspirational. Thank you for posting your story.

Daniele