update

i have debated about whether to blog about what i am going through. but, as my husband pointed out, i did 'promise' to blog about this no matter what the outcome.

i went in for my first doctors appt. on tuesday. with great expectations.... smiles, and excitement about being able to see my little companion for the first time through an ultrasound. it took a minute to find anything. but the doctor did. a very tiny dot inside my uterus - with no distinguishable features (head or body, etc) - and no heartbeat. i didn't really see the problem with this, because i have been deliriously optimistic. the doctor did see a problem with this. he said, either you are not 9 weeks, but only 6 weeks, or - you have miscarried. well, it had to be the first one as far as i was concerned (i have been feeling good and pregnant and have NOT spotted one speck of blood or felt the tinsiest cramp). so we went into his office to discuss the next step. lots of blood to be drawn over the next couple of days to see what my levels are. if it is at a certain number then that proves i am only 6 weeks pregnant. if they are higher, than i am further along, and he should have seen a heartbeat. wednesday i got a call from the doctor. no good news. my levels were pretty high. high enough for a 9 week pregnant woman. but i had one more blood draw yesterday, and so he didn't want to say for sure that i had miscarried until he got those results. i get that phone call today.

here is a feel of the emotional rollercoaster i have been on this week:

i am confused.
i feel stupid.
empty.
alone.
heartbreak.
sadness - incredible sadness.
am i normal?
is my uterus still okay?
let down.
impatient.
why?
raw emotions still there about ryan.
crying - lots of private crying. we still haven't told the kids.
annoyed that i have to hide my pain and sadness.
i haven't prayed. not once. i don't want an answer right now.
despite the lack of prayer i have faith. if that makes any sense.
afraid/scared.
i DONT want this to be happening! again.
feeling the weight of having to be mom - when all i want to do is crawl into a hole right now.
thankful for the blessing of being a mom and serving my children.
conflicted.

in the spirit of keeping this blog a true journal of my life, i will post more on the outcome.