update #2

i waited patiently ALL day friday for that phone call from the doctor. it turned out he was in an emergency c-section for most of the afternoon. sigh. well, at around 5pm i got the call. immediately i knew. i probably even knew before he called me. i think heavenly father had been preparing me all week. my blood levels had changed only a fraction. not nearly enough for the pregnancy to be viable. now what? i still have not experienced any symptoms of a miscarriage (except for some cramping on saturday). well, today i get to go in and have one final ultrasound - to be sure, really sure. then we go from there. he can give me a medicine to start contractions. i can wait it out. or a d&c. he doesn't recommend the latter for me though. so i have decided to go with the medicine. i am not about to wait for what could be weeks. no thank you. the bad part about miscarriages (this is my second. i miscarried my very first pregnancy in 1995) is that you go through labor. you dilate to about a 7. at home - with NO pain medication, and NO wonderful reward of being able to enjoy your baby after your hard work. to make matters worse, stephan is leaving for CA on wednesday, and won't be back until saturday, maybe sunday. so i am scared. scared of so many things. it's hard not to be. the thing i don't want, more than anything else, is to be alone. i want this to happen before stephan has to leave. i pray for this, and hope heavenly father knows that even though i am strong, i just don't think i'm strong enough to be alone during this loss.

so that is where things stand. i will post more as things develop. it helps to write about it. it helps to have all of your support and love. thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have stood by me through this second go around with loss. i can't begin to express my appreciation.