puttin' it out there...

did you notice the new look of my blog?? yeah! fun! and also, the thing i am MOST excited about, is the NEW link on the sidebar of this blog to kim cherry photography. woo hoo (doing backflips - if i actually could do backflips, so let's pretend!).

i am really excited, but kind of nervous too. i mean, when you put it out there you always feel kind of vulnerable and exposed. but it is time to do this thing - for REALS!!

new haircolor for a new era in my life

i feel like i am entering into a new era of my life. not like a mid-life crisis or anything (i'm not quite THAT old). just a new place. do you ever feel like that? like you've just ended a major chapter and are starting a new one - or an entirely new book for that matter.

so now my hair is dark....really dark. lovin' it this dark.



i was playing with photoshop/actions. this action really blows the color out of this photo, but i kinda like it. have i mentioned how much i **heart** photoshop?? seriously infatuated with it...and still learning. but that's the fun part, no?

saturday night scrapping!

i did a few layouts tonight! yeah!! it felt so good to be able to sit for an hour and a half and crank these out. a lovely saturday night indeed.

a random list of things i'm loving right now:

* good 'n plenty candy (it's oh so low in calories and points (weight watcher points)
* blog surfing/inspiration gathering
* my darker hair
* diet coke (this is a constant in my life)
* noah calling me his love heart - something he does quite often
* nightly prayers with my three kids and husband
* new episodes of csi & csi: ny
* laughing
* cold days (though they are few and far between)
* stephan (yesterday he closed the bedroom door when he got home from work and wanted to make out - kiss - for a bit. i loved that he wanted to do that!!)
* friends
* creating (mostly scrapbook stuff)
* the healing qualities of the gospel
* reading my moms blog and learning so much of her life
* counting my blessings
* that first crispy bite of cereal...before the milk imposes it's soggyness
* feeling so young and giddy over, yes i'm gonna mention it - TWILIGHT!!!
* growth - in so many aspects of my life right now
* nighttime - when the kids have just gone to bed and i have all the freedom in the world to do whatever i please!
* seeing evidence of the holiday season....nothing induces excitement and child-like wonder more than this
* music!!! i am totally into my music lately

i challenge/prompt any and all of you to take stock of things that are making you happy right now. blog about it! i know it is these posts that i love to re-read months from now. remember to think of the simple things too! :)

internet goodies....

i have been surfing the internet today....... a LOT! and i just thought i would share a couple of my finds with you. the first is an awesomely talented digital scrapbooker. i downloaded this free template for this layout from her blog. i highly recommend you check it out!


and i can't believe i've gone this whole week without talking about twilight on my blog!!!!!!!! seriously, it is heavy on my brain, and i DO already have my movie ticket for fridays premier.
the following picture is from instyles blog. they did a fabulous photo shoot of the cast. i mean seriously yummy stuff!

i have paint on my fingers - and i love it!

i have a HAPPY announcement...........

i am now on the design team at scrap 'n art!!

so, last night i made a layout for the scrap pad forum over there. it is based on one of my favorite songs: ben folds the luckiest.

i truly feel this way about my husband!!

taking in the beauty around me..

i am so overwhelmed by the love and support from you all! thank you so much for being here for me and my family.

this weekend we did something we haven't been able to do in FOREVER...we got outta town! we used to do these little day adventures a lot more, but then the boys had sport stuff every weekend, and steph has been working a second job. sigh. so, life pulled us in a different direction. but we were able to sneak away this weekend to a gorgeous little town nestled in the mountains...golden, co. man is it beautiful here! and, i am not a beer drinker, but as many of you may know, golden is the home of the coors brewing operation. well, again, i don't drink, but the heavenly smell that permeated the whole town was - um...like baking bread! lots and lots of bread. i was so dang hungry when we left!


unfortunately, ben and kyle weren't with us, so they aren't in any of these pics. i feel like i need to take more pics of them. but, they are harder to "catch" being older and involved in this and that. i will do better at it though!



see what i mean about the smell.......... (actually this was outside a candle shop, but it proved my point so beautifully!)



what a gorgeous escape! i was so thankful to be able to get out of my stale environment and regroup a bit. somehow being in nature always makes me feel closer to heavenly father. which was just what i needed.

wrapping it all up....in the ER

yesterday i went in to the doctor, and after one final check, said my goodbyes to this little child. i opted for the medicine that would soften my cervix and begin contractions. it worked. really well. then it didn't. i started bleeding (sorry this may get a bit graphic) at around 2:30pm yesterday. every 20-30 minutes when i felt like i needed to empty my bladder, my uterus needed to empty itself first. to give you an idea of the amount (this will make sense later on) it was roughly 2 cups of blood and tissue each time. lots. as the day and evening progressed i was feeling weaker and weaker. i told stephan that it was a lot of blood and tissue - more than i remember the first time. but i left it at that, because, well, i am not a doctor. how was i to know if it was okay or not. this continued through the night - the blood loss never letting up. at around 2:00 am i was coming back to bed from the bathroom and collapsed from the faintness and dizziness i was experiencing. i didn't wake stephan, rather, i felt and climbed my way (over two large slumbering dogs) back to bed. this happened again about 30 minutes later. the third time this happened, i felt maybe i should wake stephan and ask him for help walking to and from the bathroom. i really didn't want to seem like a drama queen about it, and felt so silly asking for help. i scoff at help - usually. well, of course, after i told him why i needed help, and how weak and dizzy i was he lept up and went into action. first he went downstairs and cut up and apple and brought me some juice. he ordered me to eat at least a few pieces and drink some juice - to bring my blood sugars back up. then he called the on-call ob doctor. after describing the situation, she said bring her in. we need to do an emergency D & C. well, okay, i guess (not that i had a vote. stephan insisted) what to do with three sleeping kiddos???? after short deliberation we called our friends kim and jon l. they let us bring our kids over at 3:30am. true friendship, and true service. off to the hospital. so the long and short of the rest of the story is that i was examined, given two i.v. lines (because of my low blood pressure), and prepped for the OR. because of that tiny amount of food i consumed they had to put a tube down my throat during surgery to keep anything from coming up. as soon as i heard that was the case my only concern was the pain and general yuckiness of how a tube down my throat would feel. luckily they put me out - way out - before the tube was put in. i woke up with an incredible sore throat, which i still have. other than that, just weakness from the surgery. not too bad at all, really.

so i have to acknowledge a few people (and please know that i love all of you and your support has meant so much!!)

kim l. : thank you so much for taking my kids in at o dark thirty. and with a newborn at home!! i will never be able to repay your love and kindness, but i will try. you know how hard it is for me to ask for help, so you usually beat me to the punch.

tammy: thank you for having my older boys over last night for a "normal" evening and "normal" environment. not one riddled with the stress of my ordeal. they have taken this hard, and it meant so much knowing that they were having a good time and well taken care of!

jandi: another friend who knows that i hate asking for help, and that i probably won't. she showed up (before heading out of town, even) with a freezer meal, cookies, and some other goodies for me. this act of service meant so much to me. thank you!!

natalie: she left a beautiful gift and even more beautiful card for me on my door sunday. i was deeply touched by her words and love. i have to mention the gift: an adorable fabric flower pin. i love it, but what i love even more was the sentiment that real flowers don't last, so she wanted to give me a flower that would. that is so how i think too!!! thanks girl - i loved it!

stacey: for taking the older boys for the rest of the week!!! a true act of service as she has to take ben to school and pick him up each day. this act of service is so amazing to me! thank you!

my mom: for having such an amazing talk with me the night before she left. her words have and will remain in my heart. they have given me strengh and permission to grieve in what ever way i need to.

....and erin, angie, terri, & olivia. for letting me know that they would be there for me on a moments notice. love you girls!

stephan: i think it goes without saying how much i love and appreciate my awesome husband. but i will anyway. he held me hand, stroked my hair, called the doctor and rushed me to the hospital when i needed it most. i love you so much...you are my everything!

update #2

i waited patiently ALL day friday for that phone call from the doctor. it turned out he was in an emergency c-section for most of the afternoon. sigh. well, at around 5pm i got the call. immediately i knew. i probably even knew before he called me. i think heavenly father had been preparing me all week. my blood levels had changed only a fraction. not nearly enough for the pregnancy to be viable. now what? i still have not experienced any symptoms of a miscarriage (except for some cramping on saturday). well, today i get to go in and have one final ultrasound - to be sure, really sure. then we go from there. he can give me a medicine to start contractions. i can wait it out. or a d&c. he doesn't recommend the latter for me though. so i have decided to go with the medicine. i am not about to wait for what could be weeks. no thank you. the bad part about miscarriages (this is my second. i miscarried my very first pregnancy in 1995) is that you go through labor. you dilate to about a 7. at home - with NO pain medication, and NO wonderful reward of being able to enjoy your baby after your hard work. to make matters worse, stephan is leaving for CA on wednesday, and won't be back until saturday, maybe sunday. so i am scared. scared of so many things. it's hard not to be. the thing i don't want, more than anything else, is to be alone. i want this to happen before stephan has to leave. i pray for this, and hope heavenly father knows that even though i am strong, i just don't think i'm strong enough to be alone during this loss.

so that is where things stand. i will post more as things develop. it helps to write about it. it helps to have all of your support and love. thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have stood by me through this second go around with loss. i can't begin to express my appreciation.

update

i have debated about whether to blog about what i am going through. but, as my husband pointed out, i did 'promise' to blog about this no matter what the outcome.

i went in for my first doctors appt. on tuesday. with great expectations.... smiles, and excitement about being able to see my little companion for the first time through an ultrasound. it took a minute to find anything. but the doctor did. a very tiny dot inside my uterus - with no distinguishable features (head or body, etc) - and no heartbeat. i didn't really see the problem with this, because i have been deliriously optimistic. the doctor did see a problem with this. he said, either you are not 9 weeks, but only 6 weeks, or - you have miscarried. well, it had to be the first one as far as i was concerned (i have been feeling good and pregnant and have NOT spotted one speck of blood or felt the tinsiest cramp). so we went into his office to discuss the next step. lots of blood to be drawn over the next couple of days to see what my levels are. if it is at a certain number then that proves i am only 6 weeks pregnant. if they are higher, than i am further along, and he should have seen a heartbeat. wednesday i got a call from the doctor. no good news. my levels were pretty high. high enough for a 9 week pregnant woman. but i had one more blood draw yesterday, and so he didn't want to say for sure that i had miscarried until he got those results. i get that phone call today.

here is a feel of the emotional rollercoaster i have been on this week:

i am confused.
i feel stupid.
empty.
alone.
heartbreak.
sadness - incredible sadness.
am i normal?
is my uterus still okay?
let down.
impatient.
why?
raw emotions still there about ryan.
crying - lots of private crying. we still haven't told the kids.
annoyed that i have to hide my pain and sadness.
i haven't prayed. not once. i don't want an answer right now.
despite the lack of prayer i have faith. if that makes any sense.
afraid/scared.
i DONT want this to be happening! again.
feeling the weight of having to be mom - when all i want to do is crawl into a hole right now.
thankful for the blessing of being a mom and serving my children.
conflicted.

in the spirit of keeping this blog a true journal of my life, i will post more on the outcome.

a matter of opinion...

Noah: "I don't like deviled eggs."
My mom: "why not?"
Noah: "Well, I like the skin....but not the devil inside. It's too spicy."

makes sense, no?

great expectations

so i've decided to add a new element to my blog....the count down to baby on the right hand side. i tossed and turned about this, but in the end i want to document this pregnancy. i am not afraid to put it out there and at this point, the whole world knows i'm pregnant anyway. the looks and reactions that both stephan and i have gotten when we tell people we are pregnant again says so much about human emotion. obviously everyone knows what we went through this last year...losing ryan at 19 weeks. and recently, we have both been asked if we were going to get pregnant again. i honestly didn't know the answer to that until i thought i was pregnant and i realized how happy that would make me. then the moment i found out, i was beaming! i felt a happiness and a comfort that is hard to explain.
i feel good. physically. haven't been too sick (just slight queeziness at times). i am tired. oh so tired. but other than that - i feel great! and mentally/emotionally, i still feel an incredible sense of calm. i know it will be okay. i haven't worried about anything. i have my first doctors appointment today. all is right with the world.
and so i will boldly document all of it. no hesitations. just great expectations!

halloween night

this year was fun, frightful, and everything halloween should be! (my only regret was that we didn't carve pumpkins) my mom flew into town yesterday morning. she wore her costume off the plane - fun!

so this is the motley crew halloween night:
(from left to right: my mom- peggy - polka-dot witch, kyle - the jedi, noah - the would be robot, turned metallic jedi, ben- the creepy grim reaper, stephan - the '70's ladies man, groove-miester extrodianaire!)


the first house of the night! so i want to point out the evolution of noah's costume...he started out as the above metallic jedi. then evolved to a pumpkin head metallic jedi.


then stole my moms witch costume. as he called it the witch in the ditch.

then stole stephans wig and glasses to be, well, a disco robot man??

and then i couldn't resist torturing the dog a bit. he kept sweeping it off with his paw...poor tolerant sammy.

it was kind of ridiculous how much candy the boys brought home. we just dumped it all in one BIG, HUGE, HEAVY box!!!