ryan

(ryan's hands and footprints. a necklace given to me by my dear friend, natalie)

one year ago i went in for my twenty week ultrasound. full of hope, excitement, anticipation. i left the office with a broken heart. my son had passed away and i needed to give birth.

i walked into the hospital holding my head high. i had a day to process the raw emotions, and now i needed to take care of the physical end of it. they put me in a special birthing room, reserved for mothers in the situation i was in: knowing they were going to deliver a stillborn baby. the outside of the door had a picture (of a sunset or something) to let the doctors and nurses that entered know that the occasion was not a happy one, and congratulations were not in order. you have no idea how much i appreciated this because i was wondering how many people would smile and congratulate us. i put my things down and sat on the bed. i wasn't prepared for the title wave of emotion that would hit me. right next to the bed was a baby warmer/bassinet. they had laid out several tools that are used for cleaning the baby after delivery. i cried. hard. all stephan could do was hold me. there were no more words of comfort. over the next six hours or so i was in labor. it was painful in every way. no reward at the end. my only comfort was that ryan's spirit was looking down from above. it happened quietly. my tiny baby was gently delivered, swaddled in a receiving blanket, and placed in my arms. he was fully formed. all of him would have fit in the palm of my hand. i placed his limp hand across my fingernail and mourned. i didn't want to let him go. the doctor gave us time to be with him, pray with him, love him. we cried together and held our son. then we said goodbye...for now. promises of seeing him, and raising him on the other side were our only comfort. the nurse did his hand and foot prints. i can't tell you how thankful i am that she did, it is my only "photo" of ryan.

this year has been one of the most powerful, growth-inducing years of my life. i have grown closer to my heavenly father than i ever could have imagined. my testimony of the gospel, and heavenly fathers plan for us is deep. i know, without a doubt, that He has a plan for us. pain and suffering is part of that plan. i believe He mourns with us and knows our pain on every level. i also believe He will never give us more than we can handle. as hard as it has been, i have handled this trial, and continue to do so everyday. my pain will never fully go away. i don't want it to. it is what i have left of ryan, for now. i am thankful for my husband. he stands by me, loves me, holds me and fulfills my every need. this trial has deepened our relationship.

i write this because it is healing for me. i want to remember my feelings - good and bad. i want my other children to know what this time was like. and perhaps this will help another going through a similar trial.

i love you ryan. we miss you and think of you all the time. even though your body is not here, your spirit is felt in our home. i can't wait for the day when i will be able to hold you again. you have taught me so much, you have given me so much. thank you, sweet, dear son.

working with what you have

one of my favorite stores (ever) is anthropologie. pretty sure i've mentioned that, but if not, there you go. why is this so? well, inspiration, of course! case in point, my latest creations:


both were semi-plain clothing items. the second, short-sleeve shirt, didn't fit me quite right. both are now cute layering, cardigan-type lovelies.

gorgeous movies and books

i read a book on sunday.
all of it, on sunday (granted it's short).it's been a really long time since i've done that.
girl with a pearl earring by tracy chevalier is amazing. it's a fictional story, laced with facts. the author has taken a masterpiece painting (often referred to as the mona lisa of the north), by vermeer, and painted us a fictional background of the painting, girl with a pearl earring. this is the kind of book that dwells in your soul after you read it. you are pulled into the world of 17th century holland. it's almost hard to re-adjust to 21st century life. almost. (i really love my electricity and running water)

i had to buy the movie. so i went on amazon.com and did so. of course i couldn't be expected to wait until i got it, so my friend natalie lent it to me. she went above and beyond and gave me my very own vermeer art book. thank you, thank you, natalie! (vermeer is her absolute favorite artist, so the passion for the work is very much shared.)
the movie did not dissapoint. my only complaint was that they did cut out quite a bit and altered certain scenes. understandable in the interest of keeping it streamlined enough for two hours. you fall in love with vermeer and his work all over again. collin firth plays vermeer. brilliant. i was breathless while watching certain scenes between him and scarlett johansson. their chemistry is palpable to say the least.
watch it. trust me it's worth it.


then we have another period piece. (actually that's kind of been a theme for me lately.)
this one also comes on recommendation (and borrowed) from natalie. i loved it. it is a story that champions the underdog in a unique way. a story of the power of the human mind and heart. gripping. passionate. stunning in many ways. it, too, has carved it's little place in my soul.

and finally, we come to a new favorite of mine. right up there with jane eyre....jane austens pride and prejudice. i am currently reading the book.
i think most are familiar with the book and the movie (some version of it). i saw the version with keira knightly. truly beautiful in every way. after watching it, i found myself googling 19th century clothing and hairstyles. one of these years, for halloween, or another such ocassion, i will be elizabeth bennett. and stephan (unbeknownst to him) will be mr. darcy. period.